I pressed my lips against his forehead and caught his sweet baby smell, the one that belongs only to him.
Running my hand over his feathery curls, I felt his weight leave my arms as i passed him through the door to his teacher, who accepted him with a smile and a hug.
“Good morning Baby S! I’m so happy you are here today.”
As she lifted her face to me, I noticed her eyes were red.
“My son left for college this morning. He has hair just like Baby S when he was his age.”. Her eyes shone and the lines of her cheeks creased as she turned her head and smiled down at my son.
I searched for words that might comfort her but settled on a smile when I found none and walked to my car, my empty, weightless arms swinging by my sides.
Glancing in the rearview mirror, I paused at the sight of the two empty carseats reflected back at me before driving away, the rumbling of the car filling my ears and drawing my attention to the unwelcome silence.
Someday that will be me.
Someday my sons will have “left for college this morning” and there will be nobody to fill my arms, to make my back ache with their weight, to chatter incessantly about everything and nothing.
They are my Everything. Where will I be when Everything ends?
I hear people speak wistfully about the days when they will have more time for themselves, to pursue their own interests, to travel… but the thought of what comes with that makes my eyes burn and my stomach turn.
When I look around my living room and see the clutter of scattered toys and wish for a little more organization, I remind myself that one day this room will be devoid of superheroes, legos and Hot Wheels that pierce the soles of my feet when I’m careless. I realize with a tightening in my throat that the organization I long for will be here way too soon, long before I’m ready.
With every “Happy Birthday” comes the inverse calculation of how many years I have left of seeing their smiles on a daily basis, before they go off into the world.
I made them my Everything, but I couldn’t help it… I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I will pay a price for that someday.
Missing Baby S, I thought about picking him up early and stealing a little more time with him on this day, when I still can.
But then I thought of his teacher, who looked at my son and was reliving days with her own. Today I will let her arms be heavy with his weight for a little longer.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, boo hoo, you’re making me cry today! Tuesdays and Thursdays are our preschool days, and it has been interesting to see how easily Baby Boy pushes me out of the way to get in that classroom and onto the next chapter of his life! But at least he is always glad to see me at pick up! It’s hard, girl, I know!!!
mamarific recently posted..Gratitude for One
Right there with you on this one. The sight of empty car seats. Or any milestone really – another lost tooth, the first sleepover away from home, a birthday. It all happens too quickly. I think about them going off away from the nest all the time. where will that leave me? I think. I console myself w. knowing that a part of human nature abhores change but mostly the dread happens BEFORE the change – we are all adjustable, and we will adjust. When i am away from my kids I’m really super surprised at how quickly I get into my own groove, it’s shocking – but good because one day when they do go off to college I know that I will resume me again and it will all be ok. In the meantime I’ve really had to make myself stop the dreading, consciously. I hope that helps? (-: Great post.
Ado recently posted..A Superb Meteor
I will tell you from experience that my children going off to college was one of the hardest things I have ever endured. Just this morning, I woke up and missed my Nic. I know it’s his senior year in college, but I STILL miss him. I text him a simple message saying, “I miss you.”. After going on with my daily chores; I heard my phone signal that I had a text. Opening the text from him, it simply said “You’re Old”. This made my day as this is my baby’s endearing way of saying I love you without being corny. Enjoy your days with your little ones as they will pass way too fast!
This made me all teary-eyed…such sweetness. Right now with a tween who knows it all I’ve found myself thinking “only 7 more years.”
Robbie recently posted..Soundtrack of my Misspent Youth
So sweet.
I don’t know how I’m going to go back to work after my mat leave, let alone how I’m going to deal when she goes away to college…
Sarah Lynn recently posted..Mom Cold
Sobbing. Sobbing reading this. Oh my, yes. You so perfectly said it all. Off to share right now.
thedoseofreality recently posted..“The Voice” Is In My Head
It scares me to think how quickly time will pass.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Be Wrong
From one who experienced it for the first time this fall, it was extremely hard. Coming on the heels of getting an estrogen patch for hormones and being on the cusp of a BIG birthday didn’t help. That said. It is wonderful to see him turning into a young man I am so very proud of. And they are ready. My husband said it was like keeping a huge horse in the house. He was kicking and snorting all over the place. It was just time to sent him out there. Honestly, the saddest part is the passage of time. Where did it go? That’s it more than the daily not seeing him. Little boy is gone forever.
Jamie@SouthMainMuse recently posted..Then Everything Changed.
Sigh. Drying my tears right now. I never thought I could love a person with so much intensity. I feel the EXACT same way.
Quite moving. In my own small way I can relate (not having kids of my own) to my relationship with my niece. Whenever I’m with her I savor the moments knowing she won’t always want to spend her summers with me. She’s growing up so fast (almost 11). It brings tears to my eyes this idea that she’ll one day have a full life with limited time to include me. You have captured this beautifully. Beautiful, poignant piece.
stephanie recently posted..Guilt