Squeezing the foamy grip of the stroller handle, I lean the wheels to the right to dodge the sinkhole in the pavement.
I know where it is without even looking. Twice a day, going and coming, the sinkhole and I do battle with the stroller wheels.
I will miss the sinkhole.
My sneakers scuff the uneven rise of the aging pavement in our neighborhood, pavement that other mothers have walked their other children across on their way to and from school for the last half century. They were scuffing their shoes on this sidewalk at the same time my own mother was in school just a few miles away.
I will miss being part of the life that passes through this neighborhood.
The wind blows through the oak trees towering above us, beginning as a whisper then accumulating and roaring over our heads like a wave. It sounds like fall; it sounds like spring; it sounds like a storm is coming; it sounds like my grandmother’s house; it sounds like home.
The trees are not like this where we are going. I will miss that whisper.
With each block we pass, Baby S and I, I flip through the images of my two boys growing up here, chasing their friends through the neighborhood on their scooters, their bikes, and some day their cars. I sift through the visions I have spent the last few years cultivating of what their lives would be like, their school, their friends, flip my mental pencil around and slowly erase my boys from those pictures. They will not be here.
We are leaving.
I will miss those visions because now I know that is all they will ever be, pieces of my imagination.
Letting go is not only about the things we will miss, our familiar sounds, our customary routes, our habits. It is also the loss of what we thought would be, the lives I thought they would live.
Their lives will be different. Hopefully not worse, hopefully (although it feels beyond all possibility) better. But when you’re happy, it is hard to picture that something else, something so different from this, could ever be better or even a close second.
But I hope it is.
I’m hoping we just don’t yet know what we are missing…
Linking up with Yeah Write this week. Lately, I’ve been waving through the window at you guys rather than stopping in for a coffee. Hopefully that will change…