Moving On…

by Jennifer on March 5, 2013

Squeezing the foamy grip of the stroller handle, I lean the wheels to the right to dodge the sinkhole in the pavement.

I know where it is without even looking.  Twice a day, going and coming, the sinkhole and I do battle with the stroller wheels.

I will miss the sinkhole.

My sneakers scuff the uneven rise of the aging pavement in our neighborhood, pavement that other mothers have walked their other children across on their way to and from school for the last half century.  They were scuffing their shoes on this sidewalk at the same time my own mother was in school just a few miles away.

I will miss being part of the life that passes through this neighborhood.

The wind blows through the oak trees towering above us, beginning as a whisper then accumulating and roaring over our heads like a wave.  It sounds like fall; it sounds like spring; it sounds like a storm is coming; it sounds like my grandmother’s house; it sounds like home.

The trees are not like this where we are going.  I will miss that whisper.

With each block we pass, Baby S and I, I flip through the images of my two boys growing up here, chasing their friends through the neighborhood on their scooters, their bikes, and some day their cars.  I sift through the visions I have spent the last few years cultivating of what their lives would be like, their school, their friends, flip my mental pencil around and slowly erase my boys from those pictures.  They will not be here.

We are leaving.

I will miss those visions because now I know that is all they will ever be, pieces of my imagination.

Letting go is not only about the things we will miss, our familiar sounds, our customary routes, our habits.  It is also the loss of what we thought would be, the lives I thought they would live.

Their lives will be different.  Hopefully not worse, hopefully (although it feels beyond all possibility) better.  But when you’re happy, it is hard to picture that something else, something so different from this, could ever be better or even a close second.

But I hope it is.

I’m hoping we just don’t yet know what we are missing…

 

Linking up with Yeah Write this week.  Lately, I’ve been waving through the window at you guys rather than stopping in for a coffee.  Hopefully that will change…

Stop by for some great reads by some great folks…
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Jen March 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm

Oh I know how you feel. We are contemplating a move to a “better” venue. Yet I know I will miss this one very much if we do. I am comforted by so many things here, things I don’t even realize until I think of it. Thank you for sharing!

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Ericamos March 5, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Good luck with your move! I’ve been fortunate enough to live in various places within 60 miles of my hometown, so I haven’t had to completely undergo all those thoughts and emotions you’re describing. I feel for you, and hope your new ‘hood will feel like home sooner rather than later.
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Kristin March 6, 2013 at 3:54 am

“Letting go is not only about the things we will miss, our familiar sounds, our customary routes, our habits. It is also the loss of what we thought would be, the lives I thought they would live.”

I’m still recovering from this three years later. But, I’m happy to report, I truly feel like my kids are happier – and I am pretty sure I am too. (Mostly!)
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Christie March 6, 2013 at 8:55 am

I love this post. It’s timely as we think of possibly moving in the next year or so….Such a complicated and loaded thing to do. To move. I love your writing.

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Stacie @ Snaps and Bits March 6, 2013 at 9:10 am

I moved from CA to NJ 2.5 years ago, which I’m sure you can imagine is QUITE the change. Our oldest was entering HS so that was the hardest part. It’s all good now. It’s stressful but you’ll be fine!
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Samantha Brinn Merel March 6, 2013 at 1:49 pm

This is a beautiful post filled with feelings I understand all too well. My husband and I left Manhattan about four months ago after living there for almost a decade, since we both graduated from college. The last few weeks before the move were filled with walks like yours. Soaking in the familiar places and faces and experiences that would soon be memories. Moves are impossibly hard even when they are good and right, but sooner rather than later, your new place starts to feel like home. Wishing you and your family lots of luck.
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Mary @ A Teachable Mom March 6, 2013 at 2:36 pm

What a beautiful post – gorgeous writing. I love that you can hold on to the idea, even for a moment, that something even better is in front of you. Congratulations on taking a leap! And here’s to a grace-filled move.
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IASoupMama March 6, 2013 at 3:15 pm

Oh, change. New is awesome and scary and dreadful and perfect. Good luck with the move. Take your heart with you and you’ll always be home…
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Jen March 6, 2013 at 3:49 pm

A beautiful post. Good luck with your move. I hope there are new trees to greet you, and that their sounds will become as familiar and comforting as those of the oak trees you love now.
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icescreammama March 6, 2013 at 5:49 pm

so beautifully written.

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Kirsten Oliphant March 6, 2013 at 9:50 pm

Love this, love the way you wrote it and revealed the move. A fresh look at a familiar idea!
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Robbie March 6, 2013 at 11:09 pm

I know this feeling all too well. WE made the cross country move in June. There were days I was miserable and lonely and said and missed things I didn’t even know I cared about. But we are rebuilding…we have a village here and it gets better every day.
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Jared Karol March 7, 2013 at 6:08 am

I love the sparseness of this piece. Beautiful in what it doesn’t tell. I especially resonated w/ this part: “Letting go is not only about the things we will miss, our familiar sounds, our customary routes, our habits. It is also the loss of what we thought would be, the lives I thought they would live.” That’s so true –> what we *thought* would be. . . that’s the hardest part of change, adjusting to knew thoughts of what we think will be.
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Your Doctor's Wife March 7, 2013 at 12:21 pm

Moving is tough, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hate it. I’m so glad we’re finally at a point in our life where we have grown roots and know where we’re going.
Good luck! I’m sure you’ll find plenty to love in this next phase of your life :)
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Gina March 7, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Moving is scary. You fear you will never be able to recreate the “magic”. I was worried that our new place wouldn’t have the same feel or Karma. It’s about who resides within the four walls. Best of luck with your move!
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Michelle Longo March 7, 2013 at 3:08 pm

We moved when my son was 3.5 years old. I was so caught up in the move and other drama that I didn’t really think about it until the house was empty. I stood in my son’s room, the room we brought him home to, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I get it. Your piece nailed it.

Good luck with your move.
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Esther March 7, 2013 at 3:26 pm

I love your last line. I think it is true — you don’t know yet what you’re missing. Wherever you are going, that place will be different but it will offer things you didn’t know were missing in your community. I’m sorry that the move has to be so hard on you emotionally, but I’m rooting for you and the new place!
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Natalie the Singingfool March 7, 2013 at 4:50 pm

I relate with this a lot. Sometimes the imagined future of a place can be so treasured, it’s hard to let go. Thank you for this.
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Peach March 7, 2013 at 8:45 pm

Oh. So wistful and hopeful at the same time. Beautifully worded. Sending you hugs. xo
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